a story out of The Onion
The sad thing is, this is not a story out of The Onion... this is a true story. Out of my frustration with the government and its retarded policies, I'm starting this blog while the First Amendment is still part of the Constitution...
My story begins Memorial Day weekend, 2004:
Danny and I had a 6 am flight out of LaGuardia to Detroit on Saturday. Our car service came at the butt crack of dawn (read 4:15 am). We get in the car, and the driver is some 12 year old looking gangsta kid, who had his seat reclined back so much as if to accost the passenger in the back seat. To make matters worse, his car smells like smoke, and you know how much I hate smoke.
Then, we get to the airport, and we're going through security check. For some reason, my suitcase never came through. And I saw the monitor watching lady point to something on the screen and laughing. When my bag finally came through, an airport personnel told me that he had to inspect it. But instead of opening up my bag, he stood there for about 5 minutes. Apparently he was only a lowly bag-checker and we had to wait for a "real" security person to come by and inspect my bag. So I'm standing there thinking... all I have in my bag is dirty clothes and dried sea cucumber and dried guava. I'm going to have a field day explaining to them what all the Chinese food in my luggage is.
So, as they were going through my bag, they pulled out the ninja star that I bought in Japan, which I was going to give to my little cousin.
Instead of putting it back in my bag, the ex-cop told me I had an illegal weapon and he had to inform the police.
Did he say, "illegal?" Shit. I work at a law firm. Why would I knowingly do anything illegal?
I told him that it's a toy and I bought the damned thing for like, $2 in Japan. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't sell weapons for $2.
Well, regardless, 2 cops showed up. Yes, you read correctly. Not 1 cop, but 2 cops. Apparently I looked menacing enough to warren 2 cops.
I told them that I flew all the time and if I realized this was a problem, I wouldn't have brought it with me. I told them to confiscate the $2 toy and I didn't want any trouble.
But typical of stupid cops who have superiority complex, one of them was really rude. He scoffed something to the effect of, "well, this IS a problem." Blah, blah, blah. Again reiterating that what I had in my suitcase was a WEAPON.
Well, how the hell am I supposed to know that? It's not like they put up a poster at security check and lists ninja stars (a toy one, at that) as one of the no-no items. I had other souvenirs from Japan in my bag, and really, if I wanted to hijack a plane, I would've brought more than one ninja star.
Then they asked for my drivers license and took down my contact info. I said to Danny, "great, now the FBI is going to put me on watch because I had a toy ninja star in my bag."
We stood around while people made calls. And the 2 cops were saying to each other, "have you ever found this before?" The other one said, "no, just knives and stuff." And then the other one said, "what do you even do with this?" I wanted to interrupt and say, "it's a toy. You PLAY with it."
It was like, barely 5 o'clock in the morning and I had only 3 hours of sleep, so I was borderline cranky... but I recognized that the cops and the airport people were just doing their job, I tried my best not to talk back to them.
Luckily, the airport security ex-cop person was really nice and tried to make me feel more at ease. He told me he was just following procedure. But unluckily, the guy was really dumb. He said to me, "I understand it's a novelty item and it's a part of your culture, but it's illegal in Brooklyn."
Well, last time I checked, LaGuardia was in Queens.
And also, ninja stars are not part of my culture. You copied down my drivers license info. CHENG is a Chinese last name, you retard. But I bit my tongue and decided not to correct him. But above all, I bit my tongue to keep from laughing in his face.
God, can you imagine if I was a 24 year old Arab man? They probably would've linked me to the train bombing in Spain.
Eventually, they let me go and I went on my merry way to Detroit Rock City with a John Kerry pin on my carry-on bag. Which, in my opinion, the pin could cause more injury than a toy ninja star, by way of puncture wounds and blood loss... but hey, I'm not the one with the security badge.
---
Fast forward to July 14, 2004
---
I just came home and found a letter from Homeland Security.
They are fining me $800 for the violation. I am cited to have brought a "weapon."
---
I have 30 days to respond to the letter. My options are to:
1. Pay the $800 fine and waive my rights to a hearing
2. Request an informal hearing with one of their attorneys, via telephone, or in person, at LaGuardia airport
3. Request a formal hearing, by which the DHS will file a formal complaint
If I opt for 2 or 3 and don't pay the $800, whoever presides the hearing could decide that I actually have to pay more than $800, as the maximum penalty is $10,000.
I mean, what is the likelihood that the government is going to admit they were wrong and decide that I actually don't have to pay anything? I mean, if the government is capable of putting innocent people on death row, what's keeping them from fining me $10,000?
I guess since I've never had a speeding ticket in my life, it's now my time to pay my debt.
My story begins Memorial Day weekend, 2004:
Danny and I had a 6 am flight out of LaGuardia to Detroit on Saturday. Our car service came at the butt crack of dawn (read 4:15 am). We get in the car, and the driver is some 12 year old looking gangsta kid, who had his seat reclined back so much as if to accost the passenger in the back seat. To make matters worse, his car smells like smoke, and you know how much I hate smoke.
Then, we get to the airport, and we're going through security check. For some reason, my suitcase never came through. And I saw the monitor watching lady point to something on the screen and laughing. When my bag finally came through, an airport personnel told me that he had to inspect it. But instead of opening up my bag, he stood there for about 5 minutes. Apparently he was only a lowly bag-checker and we had to wait for a "real" security person to come by and inspect my bag. So I'm standing there thinking... all I have in my bag is dirty clothes and dried sea cucumber and dried guava. I'm going to have a field day explaining to them what all the Chinese food in my luggage is.
So, as they were going through my bag, they pulled out the ninja star that I bought in Japan, which I was going to give to my little cousin.
Instead of putting it back in my bag, the ex-cop told me I had an illegal weapon and he had to inform the police.
Did he say, "illegal?" Shit. I work at a law firm. Why would I knowingly do anything illegal?
I told him that it's a toy and I bought the damned thing for like, $2 in Japan. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't sell weapons for $2.
Well, regardless, 2 cops showed up. Yes, you read correctly. Not 1 cop, but 2 cops. Apparently I looked menacing enough to warren 2 cops.
I told them that I flew all the time and if I realized this was a problem, I wouldn't have brought it with me. I told them to confiscate the $2 toy and I didn't want any trouble.
But typical of stupid cops who have superiority complex, one of them was really rude. He scoffed something to the effect of, "well, this IS a problem." Blah, blah, blah. Again reiterating that what I had in my suitcase was a WEAPON.
Well, how the hell am I supposed to know that? It's not like they put up a poster at security check and lists ninja stars (a toy one, at that) as one of the no-no items. I had other souvenirs from Japan in my bag, and really, if I wanted to hijack a plane, I would've brought more than one ninja star.
Then they asked for my drivers license and took down my contact info. I said to Danny, "great, now the FBI is going to put me on watch because I had a toy ninja star in my bag."
We stood around while people made calls. And the 2 cops were saying to each other, "have you ever found this before?" The other one said, "no, just knives and stuff." And then the other one said, "what do you even do with this?" I wanted to interrupt and say, "it's a toy. You PLAY with it."
It was like, barely 5 o'clock in the morning and I had only 3 hours of sleep, so I was borderline cranky... but I recognized that the cops and the airport people were just doing their job, I tried my best not to talk back to them.
Luckily, the airport security ex-cop person was really nice and tried to make me feel more at ease. He told me he was just following procedure. But unluckily, the guy was really dumb. He said to me, "I understand it's a novelty item and it's a part of your culture, but it's illegal in Brooklyn."
Well, last time I checked, LaGuardia was in Queens.
And also, ninja stars are not part of my culture. You copied down my drivers license info. CHENG is a Chinese last name, you retard. But I bit my tongue and decided not to correct him. But above all, I bit my tongue to keep from laughing in his face.
God, can you imagine if I was a 24 year old Arab man? They probably would've linked me to the train bombing in Spain.
Eventually, they let me go and I went on my merry way to Detroit Rock City with a John Kerry pin on my carry-on bag. Which, in my opinion, the pin could cause more injury than a toy ninja star, by way of puncture wounds and blood loss... but hey, I'm not the one with the security badge.
---
Fast forward to July 14, 2004
---
I just came home and found a letter from Homeland Security.
They are fining me $800 for the violation. I am cited to have brought a "weapon."
---
I have 30 days to respond to the letter. My options are to:
1. Pay the $800 fine and waive my rights to a hearing
2. Request an informal hearing with one of their attorneys, via telephone, or in person, at LaGuardia airport
3. Request a formal hearing, by which the DHS will file a formal complaint
If I opt for 2 or 3 and don't pay the $800, whoever presides the hearing could decide that I actually have to pay more than $800, as the maximum penalty is $10,000.
I mean, what is the likelihood that the government is going to admit they were wrong and decide that I actually don't have to pay anything? I mean, if the government is capable of putting innocent people on death row, what's keeping them from fining me $10,000?
I guess since I've never had a speeding ticket in my life, it's now my time to pay my debt.
